Saturday, October 10, 2015

Trying to Keep the Light Shining During Dark Days...

I am not an optimistic person by nature and, for a very long time, I was quite the contrary.  I like to think that having kids helped and, believe it or not, so did getting older.  But....

I have my moments of darkness.  And, I have to be completely aware and careful not to let them completely take me over...because they have in the past and can do it again.

Today started as one of those days.....

Yesterday my post talked about what a great morning I was having.  Truly it was awesome!  I felt fabulous and productive!  That feeling continued until I went to read my book (reward for all my work!) in the afternoon and fell asleep.  Waking up to my whole body shaking and trembling was not a serene moment, especially since I know that this could be a new MS symptom cropping up.  I did my best to make it through the rest of the day and went to bed on the early side....Only to wake up in the middle of the night with muscles on both sides of my back completely cramped up. Papa was able to feel how tight they were and tried to rub them out to no avail.  Right now, after 11 in the morning, they are still locked up tighter than a maximum security prison.

It took me a very long time to get out of bed this morning.  Yes, I am in pain but it was more than just that.  When you have an autoimmune disease as silent as MS can be, you can "forget" you are sick - hence the optimism.  Of course it's always there in the back of your mind; however, it is easy to compartmentalize it, even joke about it.  Until it smacks you right back in the face.  Honestly in these moments, my mind spirals into the darkness of questions like Why me? Why bother with these injections?  Dark images of my future also shadow my mind - wheelchairs and chairlifts, railings and ramps. My dream of hiking the Long Trail once the Guppies are on their own shattered.  It sounds melodramatic but these are the thoughts that can get stuck in my head if I go too far down that road  This morning I almost did.


I shooed Papa out of the bedroom, telling him to go ahead to his golf tournament anyway. I distracted myself by reading a little while I had my heating pad on my back.  Then got up, took a shower, grabbed my heating pad and went downstairs to start my day. Yes, I will most likely be sitting most of the day with that damn heating pad and popping Tylenol to help ease the worst of the pain.  But I am making the choice to not let the darkness creep in.

Because guess what?  In the grand scheme of things, I AM one of the lucky ones. Seven years ago I was diagnosed with MS and I am still walking and living my life (most days) without much change.  I have medications that attempt to stop this disease's progression.  If this medication stops working, I have options to try others.  I have my family who love and support me no matter what.

So, yeah, actually....Life is still pretty damn good!

I hope everyone is enjoying their Saturday!!!


  1. I'm so sorry that you had a physically tough day. I hope it got better, and I think you tried very hard to still be optimistic. Like you said, you are one of the lucky ones!

  2. It would be VERY difficult for me to be as positive as you are in your situation so you have all my admiration for being able to do this, TrayceeBee. I hope that the rest of your day was better.

  3. I am hoping that your physical pain is easing and your emotional pain is kept at bay. It sounds to me like you have some very good coping strategies.

  4. Thank you guys! Yes, yesterday was kind of a hard day for me but having a GREAT support system in place does wonders! =)

  5. Thank you guys! Yes, yesterday was kind of a hard day for me but having a GREAT support system in place does wonders! =)

  6. So sorry to hear all that you are having to go through. It is tough to deal with any medical condition especially one that comes up unexpectedly. You have a good day planned and then your body decides otherwise. I hope that you have rested up and are feeling better!!

    1. Thanks Alison. It's not easy, even after seven years of it. But, like I said, I AM one of the luckier ones. And, yes, I was able to rest up - it's so much easier now that the kids are older and more self sufficient.