After I updated my last post on Friday, I had a rather depressing phone call from my mother. Without rehashing all the details (because I am honestly still upset about it), let's just say she went after a very tender spot of my psyche. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life (most when I was a teenager/young adult, most of it before I met Papa, and nothing like drugs/alcohol) that I am still very hard on myself about. For some reason, she decided to bring it up and say she hoped my oldest daughter doesn't turn out like me. Yup, that was said.
The dynamics with my parents are very strange. From the outside, I'm sure everyone is thinking that I have it "good" with parents who financially help out at times. While that is true, there is a very steep price that I pay emotionally. It's weird because on one level I couldn't care less what they thought of me but on another level what comes out of their mouths can trigger the biggest critic inside my brain.
And Friday that critic was screaming and wouldn't shut up.
I texted Papa at work and he could tell it was bad. He called me, we talked for about twenty minutes, and I was able to get through the rest of the day until everyone got home.
Early Saturday morning, my amazingly wonderful husband drove us all to my happy place...four hours each way! All of our phones went on Do Not Disturb and we spent a gorgeous Saturday together. Even though I wasn't able to do any major hiking (still babying my back issue), just being in my favorite town/place doing some of my favorite walks did wonders for me. We all had a great time. And, I was able to shut the critic up for awhile.
Yesterday, I messaged my mom. I told her I didn't appreciate what she said and wanted to be left alone for awhile - she had been trying to call me off and on this weekend. Of course, it turned into ME being wrong and taking "things the wrong way". As always, it turns into being all about her.
I am thinking about seeing a therapist to discuss some of these issues. Papa has always been awesome at helping me through but I want to silence the inner critic in me too. If I could get through that I am sure I could be more successful with the things I want to pursue in life.
But, for now, I keep reminding myself of something Papa said to me on Friday that has almost become my mantra. He told me that I was made to be a mom and a writer. That's where I am successful. That's my place to shine.
I love that man more than I could ever find words for.
Anyway, enough of that. I am back to blogging - although still slightly unplugged because it felt great! =)
Happy Labor Day!