Monday, September 5, 2016

Impromptu Unplugged Weekend



After I updated my last post on Friday, I had a rather depressing phone call from my mother.  Without rehashing all the details (because I am honestly still upset about it), let's just say she went after a very tender spot of my psyche.  I've made a lot of mistakes in my life (most when I was a teenager/young adult, most of it before I met Papa, and nothing like drugs/alcohol) that I am still very hard on myself about.  For some reason, she decided to bring it up and say she hoped my oldest daughter doesn't turn out like me.  Yup, that was said.

The dynamics with my parents are very strange.  From the outside, I'm sure everyone is thinking that I have it "good" with parents who financially help out at times.  While that is true, there is a very steep price that I pay emotionally.  It's weird because on one level I couldn't care less what they thought of me but on another level what comes out of their mouths can trigger the biggest critic inside my brain.

And Friday that critic was screaming and wouldn't shut up.

I texted Papa at work and he could tell it was bad.  He called me, we talked for about twenty minutes, and I was able to get through the rest of the day until everyone got home.

Early Saturday morning, my amazingly wonderful husband drove us all to my happy place...four hours each way!  All of our phones went on Do Not Disturb and we spent a gorgeous Saturday together.  Even though I wasn't able to do any major hiking (still babying my back issue), just being in my favorite town/place doing some of my favorite walks did wonders for me.  We all had a great time.  And, I was able to shut the critic up for awhile.

Yesterday, I messaged my mom.  I told her I didn't appreciate what she said and wanted to be left alone for awhile - she had been trying to call me off and on this weekend.  Of course, it turned into ME being wrong and taking "things the wrong way".  As always, it turns into being all about her.

I am thinking about seeing a therapist to discuss some of these issues.  Papa has always been awesome at helping me through but I want to silence the inner critic in me too.  If I could get through that I am sure I could be more successful with the things I want to pursue in life.

But, for now, I keep reminding myself of something Papa said to me on Friday that has almost become my mantra. He told me that I was made to be a mom and a writer.  That's where I am successful.  That's my place to shine.

I love that man more than I could ever find words for.

Anyway, enough of that.  I am back to blogging - although still slightly unplugged because it felt great!  =)

Happy Labor Day!








14 comments:

  1. You have an awesome husband. :)

    I distanced myself from my mother years ago due to her emotional abuse. She is mentally ill and I have always been her target of choice. It hurts, but my mental health is worth that sacrifice.

    As for unplugging, I just deleted Facebook off all of my devices. It is so freeing!

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    1. Thanks Stephanie! I am pretty damn lucky to have him! He always can find the good in me when I feel there's nothing left.
      I'm sorry you have had problems with your mom too. I am always the target of choice as well - I think a lot of the reason is because I was an unplanned pregnancy. And, I have been toying with the idea of removing her from my life.
      As for deleting Facebook, I'm not that brave yet! LOL BUT, I am considering pairing down my "friends" list. Less friends equals less drama! =)

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  2. Sorry you had to go through that. I have a good relationship with my mom but sometimes she says things that hurt me deeply. I don't think she does it on purpose - or so I'd like to believe. She is super close to my sister in law of 32 years since they live in the same town and I'm 500 miles away - babies her and my youngest brother. I'm the one who is there for every surgery on her and dad and last year when my dad was on hospice I always put my life on hold because I love her. Call almost every day too but then something comes out and feel like I'm not as good as others. I'm trying to choose to believe it's just not something she means or maybe it's a really touchy subject for me.

    Sometimes you just have to be away from they for a few days or longer and maybe they will pick up on the fact that they said a little too much or went a little too far.

    Your husband sounds amazing - mine is like that too. Have a great day and take care.

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    1. Crystal, I'm sorry you have to go through similar circumstances. It totally stinks.
      I wish it could be me being touchy but it has happened so many times with so many different things that I don't see how it could be.
      I think my husband said it best when he told me that my mother just doesn't want to see me all that happy.
      And, yeah he is a great guy! I found myself a keeper for sure! =)

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  3. Ooops... Sorry for the typos in my note. Guess I should of read it before sending. lol. That's what I get for being in a hurry.

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  4. I'm sorry to hear that. It can be really hard to keep our own expectations for ourselves separate from that of our parents. Do you think by allowing your parents to help you out financially, they think they get to have more of a say in your life? It sounds like there may be a bit of a power dynamic there that you'd want to think more about.

    And, ditto everyone else - your husband sounds like an amazing rock. Very happy you have him in your life.

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    1. Yup total power struggle going on and there always has been. In the past I have dealt with the emotional abuse because I thought it was best for the girls (they were able to enjoy extra stuff) and for Papa (taking some of the financial strain off of him). But, now the girls are at an age where they understand things more and see what a toll everything has taken on me - we try not to say much in front of them about the situation but they know anyway.

      My parents have never been supportive of any of my life choices and I have let it cripple me (hence part of why I am considering therapy). My mother has attacked my oldest daughter on a number of occasions - which I have been able to stand up to her about because my "mama bear" instinct is strong enough then but when she attacks me I internalize it.
      I think I'm done trying to deal with them for awhile and would rather be happy.
      Thanks for the support! I really appreciate it!

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  5. I am always a call away if you need an ear. Also free most mornings or meeting up. You are strong and wonderful!

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  6. That sounds like a really tough situation! As someone else already said, it can be so hard to separate our expectations for ourselves from our parents expectations of us. Long after we maybe feel we should be able to let it go!

    As a new student in the counseling profession, I wholeheartedly support the idea of a counselor. It can be good to have someone to talk to who can also help you to redirect your thought patterns and maybe even set up clearer emotional boundaries for yourself. Good luck!

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    1. Thanks for the support Laura! I am way too old to still be dealing with this kind of baggage/abuse. And, I don't know how well I can move forward without talking to a professional (since I haven't been able to do a stellar job so far alone! LOL). I hate the fact that it will be an added expense to our already tight budget but Papa and I both are thinking it is a worthy one.

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  7. Check to see if Papa's work has an EAP (Employee's
    Assistance Program) - most larger employers do. They usually provide up to a certain number of free therapy visits for employees and family members. :)

    ~Rosie

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    1. Funny you mention that since just this morning I saw a magnet I just stuck on the fridge from when Papa just started at the new job. It's all about the assistance program with a number to call for info! Weird on your timing for commenting today! =)

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    2. Oops! Noticed I used the word "just" a few times in that response! Haha! Can you tell I am a bit tired this afternoon? Haha!

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